The headline popped up on my phone this morning, but I chose not to click on it. My mama heart could not deal and also be present with my kids. I just couldn’t.
My sweet mom left me a message, delivering some encouragement, strength, and love across the miles. She knows I do not do well with news like this. I imagine my kids in that situation. I imagine how the parents must feel, how I would feel as one of the teachers present. I carry on physically, but I put myself in their brick-heavy shoes and live there. I hold my breath putting my son on the bus and picking him up.
I am reminded of how much I can’t control.
And I’m not totally okay with that.
This is why I follow diet plans. It’s not about weight. My thighs and I are friends- they like walking through life thick and strong, and I’m grateful for what they can do. It’s about control.
I know myself and I told myself I’m not going to jump onto some plan today. By the end of the day, I was trying to justify starting another one. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s just the truth. This is where I’m at and what I’m trying to change.
Because as much as I can’t control (I can’t decide how long I’ll live, or if my kids will go through any trauma), I do have choice. I have agency. I get to decide if I’m going to be a present, loving, and active parent right now. I get to decide if I’m going to live my life as best as I can today, because that’s what I have.
No diet plan or comfort food is going to help me do those things.
On the flip side, choosing to do things that fill my cup does help. Tonight, I’m choosing to write about it (so therapeutic!), have a little snack, and then send myself to bed with a book.
Sarah's Table 
Dear Sarah, I, too, have had to distance myself from certain stories that I know I just won’t be able to handle at certain times. How wise of you to know what you could handle yesterday and then to seek a healthy choice once you were able to let the pain in. Writing is one of my coping strategies, too, and it’s a healthy one! We hold these mothers, fathers, siblings, friends, and victims in our heart. We invite their grief in for a few moments, but we do not fix it. The one thing we can do is hold it and let compassion wash it’s way through our tears. And then we remember that Love is holding us, is holding them, is holding this broken world. And we pledge to join her in living each day from a place of Love.
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I love you, Annette!
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