It was over a year ago that I started to see what is going on with all these eating plans I sign my name to. (We can also say “diets.” I don’t tend to follow them for weight loss reasons, but the actions are the same, so eating plan= diet.)
Strict eating rules= a feeling of control, and then a temporary feeling of peace. Over the last year and a half, I have chosen to look my controlling ways square in the face.
Sometimes, I have walked away more peaceful and free than ever, acknowledging that it’s not my job to fix everything for the people I love, and even that my means of “fixing” aren’t THE way to go. I get to BE with those people without the anxiety that normally clings to me when everything is not perfectly okay.
Sometimes, I have simply acknowledged that I am grabbing for control without a plan for change except to be aware and honest about it because that’s the best I can do in the moment.
Many times, I have recognized that my strong desire for nice, neat dietary boxes is my way of feeling in control of something. I live in a world where there is little I can fully control, but I have access to almost any food I would want(especially if I’m willing to ignore the budget!). This leaves me plenty of room to explore whatever program I’m hearing the most about, and I have become a master at convincing myself why whole30/weight watchers/ sugar free/portion fix is a worthy investment of my time and energy.
When I am deep-down honest with myself, the truth is that the food I eat won’t
-fix the fact that I miss my people.
-help me find my groove.
-nurture the deep-seated connection I crave.
-help me deal with the fact that some days, I hate sending my son to school.
-help me sort through the excited feelings I have about finding a career, married with the sad feelings I have for phasing out of my season as a stay-at-home mom.
-give me peace.
-fix the fact that my values tell me to be a vegetarian, but my body hates it.
-add to my quality of life (I think they take away from it!)
No diet plan can fix those things for me. What they can do is put me in stall mode, give me a distraction, turn most of my attention to the next meal, what I’m going to eat when, and borrow attention from what actually lights me up.
That’s why I’m here. I am telling the truth and telling my stories so I won’t buy the lies I keep believing even one more time.
Sarah's Table 