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The Gift of Open Hands

sarahmarie

Years ago, I read a post from Glennon Doyle. It described an experience she had with sharing a simple act of love and then being criticized for how she did it wrong. She explained her anger, her process, but then as she prayed that God would help her make her mess into something beautiful, she felt stay open. stay open. stay open. 

That stuck with me.

For years, I’ve talked about, craved, and tried to cultivate community- groups of people that know each other and are in it together. Issues like fair trade haven’t been a far reach for me, because after all, I wanted to be part of the gorgeous work of helping each other up and cheering each other on.

Let me let you in on a little tidbit that surprised me (and still does, from time to time)- the closer I get to real community- knowing people up close, doing the real work of loving them and letting myself be loved- the less glamorous it is.

I think I have a good heart, but there are messes shoved in the corners.

I think I want community, but then oftentimes, the actual work of it isn’t glamorous or fun at all.

It’s messy. Relationships are messy.

When I get quiet lately, I feel the reminders- open up your hands. 

Open up your hands, Sarah.

Those things I’ve been gripping so tightly? There’s no life in that work. You’re wearing yourself out needlessly.

Open up your hands and let it be taken:

Our groceries when I’m worried about sticking to the number on the grocery budget but I have plenty to share.

How I think things should be when there are multiple ways to do them.

Whether my heart is understood or  I am approved of when I am sharing what I feel a push to share.

Relationships are hard. They reveal the messes in me that need to be addressed, and it’s work. Quite honestly, I don’t always want to do it.  Un-clenching my hands is work after I’ve been holding so tightly for so long, but Y’all…

There’s no life in clamped hands.

The work of relationships, of community, of cleaning out the heart corners- it’s not what I once pictured it would be, but when I am able to do it, my heart becomes less tight, too, and I am able to breathe- and live- more freely.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing.

sarahmarie

A few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a phone conversation, when a subject I’d been avoiding came up.

An honest response would likely injure the receiver’s feelings and result in rearranged expectations.

Deep breaths. 

I’ve learned a lot about communication the get-your-hands-dirty way, but still, when I find myself with feelings and thoughts I can’t sort out quick enough, I can be something of a loose cannon, and then that’s a whole other mess to clean up.

But.

The truth is that while I don’t love confrontation, I need it. If I’m going to be a part of a solid, close relationship, eventually there’s going to be a spot where I or the other person needs to say, “I’m not okay with that.”

It means discomfort.

It means work.

It means my hands might shake and my chest might tighten while I say the thing I’ve been stressing over saying.

Confrontation doesn’t always have to be a big deal. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “I can’t do that,” and then moving on. Sometimes it’s a hard conversation. It always involves some surrender of control- we can’t decide how the other person is going to react, so it could feel like it’s going badly.

I’m no expert on conflict resolution. I do not have a degree in the subject. I most definitely have a lot to learn (I can be a loose cannon, remember?), but…

I’ve had a lot of practice, mainly because I am a person with big feelings who desires honest, authentic relationships, and I’ve picked up a few strategies along the way:

Pause. Sometimes it can feel like we have to talk about this now so I can stop feeling this way now. I can tell you that if I rush it and talk before I’ve found some peace, all the frustration is going to come out of my mouth in ways I wish I could shovel back in.

Come with a humble, teachable attitude. We’re all works in progress here. I am so good at seeing one side as “the way things are,” but it turns out human beings are much more 3-dimensional than that. It doesn’t mean we have to let go of our deepest values, but it does mean we have something to learn.

Don’t do it if you aren’t interested in seeing the other person become more healthy, whole, and free...

…unless you are doing it for the health and freedom of someone suffering from that person’s actions (I am so here for sticking up for the underdog.)

In my experience, conflict produces the best results when the person who you are hashing things out with knows I am invested, they are loved, and they are safe with me.

Eleven years ago, I married a man who made some promises to me and then kept them. I had some high, thick walls up then that took years to tear down. I can’t say that every conflict went well, but we were both invested. We were both serious about our promises to love and support each other.

What happened for me is that I did get healthier, more whole, more free, and then so did the people closest to me, and then some closest to them. I am not making this up.

It all started with some love and a hesitant yes to a little conflict.

Co-housing: 4 weeks in

sarahmarie

The hubs, kids, and I have  been co-housing for almost four weeks now.

During that time,

Tim and I had a lousy first night of sleep due to noisy floor boards we weren’t used to and wondered what we were thinking saying yes to all this.

Tim injured his back.

We hosted a birthday party, complete with a bouncy house and the messiest decorate-your-own cupcakes situation you’ve likely seen, for my daughter and three nieces (two of whom traveled from Texas to celebrate with us!).

We worked toward making our new space a home.

My whole self refused to do much of anything one day, after I ran on adrenaline for weeks.

We traveled a few hours to explore new and beautiful places, eat delicious, indulgent food, and jump on hotel beds, just the four of us.

By the end of that trip, Selah was asking when we were going home so she could see “the rest of our family in the house.”

Selah and Nolan love having in-house play mates.

Tim and I have become used to the noise (fans help!) and have been sleeping well.

We still have some boxes to unpack, because sometimes we need to go to the children’s museum or the park or sit on our butt.

Sometimes putting food away is like playing a game of tetris.

Dog hair is in abundance around here.

But overall, being completely honest with you, we are loving living where and how we do. I am so glad we said yes.

We are renting a house with another family?!

sarahmarie

My little family and I are knee deep in moving. Boxes of  stuff my kids, husband, and I have decided we’d like to keep in our lives are getting packed up and moved from where we sleep and dance now, to another house, just a few miles away.

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I am excited about all the change that’s coming up- it all lines up with who we are as a family. I’m also nervous. A lot of the change we signed up for involves people. Up close. Personal. Even when I’m tired and hungry and am feeling completely DONE with the day.

Friend, we are co-renting a house with another family. They have two kids, too, and a dog, and the house is not large. The kitchen, yard (hooray!), living room, and laundry room are all shared. The laundry room is in the space designated for my little family.

We willingly, cheerfully signed up to do this.

Why?????

It all started out simply enough. The hubs and I were on the lookout for a different rental. Some of our motivation was cost (housing is expensive where we live). I don’t bring in a pay check, either. I have consistently worked part time jobs since my first baby was born, but I stopped when we moved to Colorado because it’s what works best for our family right now.

So, finances are what brought us to the door.

I’m part of an online group for partners of students and faculty members of the seminary where my husband works. One day, a “last chance” type of post came up from another member whom I’d never met. She was looking for another occupant for the house her family was renting so they could continue living there and paying the cheap-for-our-location rent.

Tim (the hubs) and I had been praying about where we would live next and also feeling some shifts in ourselves, so when I saw it, I sent the listing to him. We both said, “let’s check it out.”

We arranged to meet with the family, asked each other a bunch of questions, asked around for references, prayed, talked. Then we signed a lease.

A few things that might be helpful to know, if you’re planning to follow our journey:

-We are viewing this next year as an experiment. We can always move in a year, but both couples involved are motivated to make it work.

-We have healthy boundaries set in place between the two families and are working them out as we go, and meeting over dinner as a household right after we move in to continue that process.

-A lot of the world does this. This is not new. In fact, this happens in a lot of major cities,  due to high cost of living.

-My kids are ecstatic. They are acquiring two new friends and a dog and could not be happier about it.

-We will still be hosting dinners.

-I am not entirely sure what the dance party situation will look like- loud ones after dinner are currently the norm for us.

26 Days in PA: The hard and rich parts of living with other families

sarahmarie

unnamed (3)I returned from a 26-day visit to my old stomping grounds last Sunday.

If you had to guess what question I keep getting, you’d probably be correct.

“How was your trip?”

If you’d ask me the same thing, I’ll tell you-

It was good. 

There was just a lot of richness and life in it, and I’m so grateful I got to do it.

It also challenged me, and I’ll tell you why.

There are two things I didn’t totally expect when I set out to stop trying to solve everything with how I eat and get healthy in my whole self- body, mind, and spirit:

-what a process it is (so much time. This is totally not a quick fix, post-the-before-and-afters pursuit. I am might be walking this road into heaven.)

-that a by product of opening up my mind and my heart to more vibrant health is that I am learning to love people better.

The thing about sharing a house with people outside the normal systems of my every day is that it pushed me to examine the why, how, and what of how I function, because each nuclear family tends to operate differently, so all those things aren’t just “how we do it” anymore. I came face to face with some things that I realized require some change on my part, and it was uncomfortable and absolutely humbling.

I’m so grateful for that.

Because while I love people, loving people up close is more complex. It requires humility, openness, work, and a teachable spirit.

I want to love people better.

You can remind me of that desire anytime this year because I have some news:

We are moving into a small house in the next couple of weeks, with another family. The kitchen, living room, laundry room, mowing duties, and yard are all shared. We all have a willingness to make it work, talk through issues, set appropriate boundaries, and enjoy each other’s company.

I’m excited and a little nervous.

There’s one thing for sure- my holistic table game is about to ramp up.