A few weeks ago, I was in the middle of a phone conversation, when a subject I’d been avoiding came up.
An honest response would likely injure the receiver’s feelings and result in rearranged expectations.
Deep breaths.
I’ve learned a lot about communication the get-your-hands-dirty way, but still, when I find myself with feelings and thoughts I can’t sort out quick enough, I can be something of a loose cannon, and then that’s a whole other mess to clean up.
But.
The truth is that while I don’t love confrontation, I need it. If I’m going to be a part of a solid, close relationship, eventually there’s going to be a spot where I or the other person needs to say, “I’m not okay with that.”
It means discomfort.
It means work.
It means my hands might shake and my chest might tighten while I say the thing I’ve been stressing over saying.
Confrontation doesn’t always have to be a big deal. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “I can’t do that,” and then moving on. Sometimes it’s a hard conversation. It always involves some surrender of control- we can’t decide how the other person is going to react, so it could feel like it’s going badly.
I’m no expert on conflict resolution. I do not have a degree in the subject. I most definitely have a lot to learn (I can be a loose cannon, remember?), but…
I’ve had a lot of practice, mainly because I am a person with big feelings who desires honest, authentic relationships, and I’ve picked up a few strategies along the way:
Pause. Sometimes it can feel like we have to talk about this now so I can stop feeling this way now. I can tell you that if I rush it and talk before I’ve found some peace, all the frustration is going to come out of my mouth in ways I wish I could shovel back in.
Come with a humble, teachable attitude. We’re all works in progress here. I am so good at seeing one side as “the way things are,” but it turns out human beings are much more 3-dimensional than that. It doesn’t mean we have to let go of our deepest values, but it does mean we have something to learn.
Don’t do it if you aren’t interested in seeing the other person become more healthy, whole, and free...
…unless you are doing it for the health and freedom of someone suffering from that person’s actions (I am so here for sticking up for the underdog.)
In my experience, conflict produces the best results when the person who you are hashing things out with knows I am invested, they are loved, and they are safe with me.
Eleven years ago, I married a man who made some promises to me and then kept them. I had some high, thick walls up then that took years to tear down. I can’t say that every conflict went well, but we were both invested. We were both serious about our promises to love and support each other.
What happened for me is that I did get healthier, more whole, more free, and then so did the people closest to me, and then some closest to them. I am not making this up.
It all started with some love and a hesitant yes to a little conflict.
Sarah's Table 