I’ve been letting go of aaall my food rules. They are unhealthy ways for me to manufacture control over my own life. It’s been one of those “not easy, but worth it” practices. I didn’t realize how often I feel the itch to subscribe to a particular diet until I said no more.
Last week, I showed up to one of my preferred ways to work bad news out of my body, a Barre3 studio class.
I had bad news to work off of my nerves, shoulders, and gut, and I needed to exchange some words with God. Movement is such a helpful tool for me to do those things in an integrated way, so I woke my husband up for my early class (it was that important to me, and he’d already agreed to it- I do have a heart!) and went on my way.
There are some moments when my inability to micromanage every outcome in my life makes itself obvious, and this was one of them.
I headed into class and was met with a “hey, you!!!” Her eyes were bright with recognition, but mine were dull with confusion. I do have something of a familiar face (I get “you look just like my cousin/friend/roommate” with some regularity), and the words, “do we know each other from somewhere?” tumbled out of my mouth, totally lacking any grace or opportunity to leave this woman thinking I remembered her.
After the brightness drained from her face, I discovered I’d met her the day after I’d moved across the country. We both found our equipment and places in class, and I spent much of the next hour processing through this exchange (and only a fraction on my stress over school shootings).
I was so embarrassed over the exchange that had happened just before class, anxious, even. By the end of the class, though, I landed on forgiveness. I forgave myself for making a mistake, and I decided to ask for a little grace and forgiveness from this woman, too. I acknowledged that I couldn’t control the outcome of the conversation and made my peace with it.
All I can do in my life is make the next best choice. I can’t control someone else’s choices. I can’t control every change in my body. I can’t control when my favorite friends move away. I can’t control what my kids think of me. I can’t control whether an active shooter shows up at my son’s school. I can’t make someone else forgive me.
I want to.
For sure.
But making peace with all that helps me put down some of the weight I’ve been carrying and make more room for what I can do.
Sarah's Table 